"Just hold on loosely but don't let go/ If you cling too tightly/ You're gonna lose control/ Your baby needs someone to believe in/ And a whole lot of space to breathe in..." ~ 38 Special, "Hold On Loosely"
Unfortunately, I didn't take these song lyrics to heart in enough of time to prevent the green-eyed monster from rearing its ugly head in my relationship and, yes, I lost control.
I have been in a long-distance relationship for the past eight years. We met while I was in Italy studying and just hit it off perfectly. The problem is... Italy is a long, long way from Scranton.
To make a long story short, my third trip over for a visit was the worst. By this point, we were officially a couple and, like any true-blooded American girl, I didn't take too kindly to, ahem, forward women. There was a girl over there who did everything she could to make me think they were together and my jealousometer went through the roof. He denied it and mutual friends in town swore it wasn't true but, because of this girl's actions, I was seeing red, through very green eyes.
At one point, we split up because the distance was so difficult but, two years later, he found me online and we got back together. Now the plan is for him to come to Scranton soon but... we're still long distance and I still hate it.
During the two-year split, the causaguai (Italian for "troublemaker") reared her head on good old Facebook. She added me, we talked, we buried the hatchet-- she told me that she was trying to make me think they were together just for the fun of it-- and then, after I forgave her... it started up again. Comments from "the two of us" on Facebook, ambiguous relationship status... you name it. Then, a friend of mine in Italy called her on the nonsense and we both were promptly blocked from her Facebook, after she launched into a tirade about an American girl trying to steal her man. It was awful... and he didn't have Facebook at this point.
Unfortunately, this girl's ghost lingers in our relationship and I don't know how to exorcise her. My trust level is already a bit shaky because of the distance, so I am naturally a bit more clingy than I would like to be. Unfortunately, the longer we're long distance... the worse my clinginess and jealousy. I am to the point where I had to hide him from my Facebook feed so I don't see things. (And the causaguai is now a friend of his on there and she's back to her old tricks!)
I am not a relationship expert, nor do I pretend to be. But I do love this man with all of my heart and have stayed faithful for the past eight years and intend to remain faithful until he gets here. I don't want to know-- and don't really need to know-- what is going on in Italy. He said he is faithful and I try to believe him. Friends and family in the same town also say it is me that he loves and that they never see him with anyone else, so I believe him... and having that confirmation does help.
Ninety-nine percent of our fights have been because of my jealousy: I can't even handle seeing a picture of him with a female friend at this point. I miss him that much... and, yes, long distance sucks. Plain and simple... it sucks. You are talking to a computer screen... you aren't being kissed, you aren't being caressed, your hand is not being held, and when the Skype window disappears, so does he. You're back to your lives in your respective countries and that's that.
I can't really give advice for dealing with jealousy because I struggle so much with it. What I can say, however, is that I have been trying to find more constructive ways to occupy my mind and it helps. I started this blog. I rediscovered my love for photography and am starting to sell my prints on Etsy. I am becoming more active in various organizations that I believe in. I am taking care of myself and loving myself more so that this insecurity within disappears once and for all.
I want our reunion to be happier than anything else either one of us have experienced in life. I don't want this negativity because of my jealousy surrounding it. Yes, jealousy in a long distance relationship is completely natural, but it can also kill. Who wants to hear a barrage of questions constantly during your all-too-rare chats? No one! I am determined to make this work and I know he is, too. He never once said, "Work on your jealousy" to me but I realize now, upon reflection, just how much it affects every aspect of our relationship.
So now, in the name of love, it is time to act. Distance means nothing when you truly love someone... and that's the only certainty I have. Now is the time to slay the green-eyed monster and let the adorable brown-eyed girl come out of hiding!
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